January 12, 2010

The End of the World

There is bad news in the Times today everybody. The end is nigh – apparently. And whilst it may not be the Armageddon forecast by mad religious cults, it does indeed sound catastrophic. It appears that Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol.

I have to admit that my heart did indeed leap just a little when I heard the surprise news. Admittedly this is some USA show that has zero interest over here – but maybe it is a sign of things to come. Being a cynic of some experience I soon saw through the ruse. Firstly it is apparently the start of that show in the USA, so of course they need all the publicity they can get.

And secondly – well in case you didn’t know, Cowell is repeating his trick in the USA of doing the same show with a sprinkling of old people, freak shows and made to measure groups – ie The X-Factor.

If it wasn’t true, you couldn’t make it up. Presumably Cowell might actually have to do some work before a USA X-Factor is launched (or at least get a lackey to do some work). I am not sure that Abba night, Queen night, Robbie Williams night, Take That night will work year after year in the USA.

So perhaps Simon needs a little help. Obviously we’ll be needing a rap night, perhaps an Elvis night and a Motown night. A Carpenters night? But from then on we might be struggling. Dylan night doesn’t sound very likely.

Michael Jackson night might work, although children might be well advised to watch from behind a sofa. Blues night? Jazz night? Despite gaining enormous wealth by encouraging gullible people to make pricy telephone calls and buy third-rate covers of old songs murdered by the nobody of the week, I am not sure Simon Cowell understands music – and in particular American music.

Although he is the face of American Idol – it is in fact the brainchild of another Simon, his lookalike Simon Fuller. Presumably he has had a few more years to make his gruesome show’s format more legally watertight so that Cowell can’t just repeat it with his X-Factor. But then again, maybe not – it’s not exactly rocket science.